Why doesn’t anyone talk about it?! -and by ‘it’ I mean post pardum emotions/thoughts/feelings/change -whatever you want to call it. Post pardum hormones are real, and it’s so frustrating that no one warns you about it.
During pregnancy everyone told me to be prepared for birth (it was a valid point) be pelted for sleepless nights (have yet to have one of those) be prepared for a hard adjustment delivery (it was okay) but no one, not one single mother, friend, family member who had babies informed me of the darkness of post pardum hormones. Why?!?
I didn’t have bad thoughts about hurting myself or my precious new human. I didn’t have thoughts of going crazy or anything that intense. But I definitely had about 5 days where I wasn’t myself.
I cried, oh man did I cry. For no reason, like nothing at all, and yes, sometimes I cried from pure happiness but there were numerous times where is was a sad, depressing cry. My husband didn’t know what to do or how to help me, and to be honest I didn’t either.
If was almost like an outer body experience where I knew it was silly of me to be crying and I knew that it was because of my hormones but I couldn’t stop. It just needed to happen, and I was legitimately sad.
I didn’t tell anyone about this dark time (other than my husband, who I probably wouldn’t have told had he not experienced it with me) I kept it to myself and tried to get over it alone.
Why did I keep it to myself, you ask?
Because I didn’t want to be judged. That’s what we do, we judge women, especially mothers, ESPECIALLY new, vulnerable mothers. I knew that people would think I’m a bad mom or I couldn’t properly care for my child.
But more importantly I didn’t tell anyone (not even my mid wife) because I seriously thought I was the only one who was experiencing it because NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THEIR EXPERIENCE.
I know not everyone gets these feelings and not everyone is affected the same way. Some are completely fine, and some suffer severe depression which lasts forever. I still have days where I fee like my emotions or hormones are off and I speak about it openly with my husband and it helps me immensely!
I asked myself why my opinion had changed, why did I fee like I should talk about it?
– it was because of a friend of mine (who had a baby shortly after me) opened up and informed me of her situation (5 months later). She didn’t want to open up earlier because she felt crazy. That she too was the only one who suffers from this. But she isn’t, and it took me months to convince her of that, how messed up is that?!
To be honest, this is still a hard post to write because I know some will judge or think I’m crazy and so be it! If this post will help at least one woman out there in knowing that she isn’t alone with her feelings, then it will be worth it one hundred times over!
Ladies, if you’re suffering at all, seek out someone to talk to -a friend, partner, medical professional. Anyone. But more importantly know you are not alone, it is normal and you will get past it!
What was your experience after birth?
I totally know what you mean! I struggled with postpartum depression too! (It was bad!) Being far from home, a sick baby, and struggles eating. I wish as a mom community this was brought up more often and women knew the weren’t alone.